Laura’s Mental Health Journey – Mental Health Awareness Month

For the third week of Mental Health Awareness Month, Laura Staggs of our Marketing team opens up about her own struggles with mental health.

This whole account is written entirely in Laura’s own words.

“I have spent over ½ of my life suffering from mental illness.

“I want to say it started in high school, but after months of therapy and trying to work through the backlog of issues that I had bottled up inside, I think the first time I didn’t want to exist anymore was probably when I was in my junior school (maybe 8 or 9).

“At that age you don’t really have a concept of self-harm or suicide or that you may have something wrong with your mental health – well I at least did not have this concept at such a young age. I just knew it as ‘not existing’ – not wanting to be in the same place as everyone else.

“It was an unknown feeling and getting upset and cross at school only meant getting in trouble. I was never a child who got into trouble, and the fear of it was so overwhelming that instead of being upset, or lashing out, or speaking about what was going on. I chose to be someone else. It was also the first time I used the ‘mask’ and ‘Laura 2.0’ made an appearance.”

“The ‘mask’ then became a staple in my everyday look, like your underwear, I put it on every morning as I woke and took it off each night to go to bed. Every minute I wore it, it began to merge with my own face, until I no longer could recognize who I was. But I always knew how I felt, what my inner voice would say about myself. I thought that when I moved on to high school that I would no longer have to don the mask, I could hang it up on the old school gates, and proudly enter as myself.

“I laugh now at the thought of it, within days of starting my new school it began to creep up again, until I felt almost as though I was drowning. Severe anxiety caused by people who would speak over me and put me down for the thoughts, ideas, and feelings I had. Having flaws pointed out in a group of 20+ people who refer to themselves as your ‘friends’.

“Spending most of your teenage years hiding behind layers upon layers of built up personas just to keep yourself ‘safe’ from judging eyes. Bullied by those closest to you and made to feel a fool for having opinions and hobbies. Eventually becoming a sheep, hiding amongst the herd for fear that the wolves will attack.

“I was 11 the first time I self-harmed. I was sat in art class and we were using scalpels for a project. A girl, who for the majority of my high school years I called one of my ‘best friends’, had begun yet another rumour about me, the whole class milled with the things she had said. Whispers of ‘slut’ and ‘slag’ along with many other derogatory slurs echoed around the room.

“I wanted the floor to swallow me whole, the bar stool to coil around me and pull me through into blackness. I felt sick. The room began to swirl. A wave of fear washed over me, and then there was nothing. I couldn’t hear, my whole body felt numb, I couldn’t feel anything. Empty. I felt hollow.

“For the longest time I didn’t even notice that I had been pressing the scalpel into my thigh, blood had pooled at the top of the cut, yet it felt like air. Soon my fingertips brushed against the blood and I yanked the scalpel out of my thigh. I looked around in horror, thinking about all the people seeing it and their disgusted faces, but no one had noticed.

“The class remained the same, invested in their projects and whispering mean words behind my back. When the bell rang, I cleaned myself up with a tissue I had in my bag, and I tossed the scalpel in the bottom with the remainder of the pack of tissues. What began as an accident, consumed my life for 7 years.

“Now as an adult, 6 years after the last time I harmed myself, I can still remember that day clearly. In fact, I remember every time I hurt myself with deep clarity, I see every scar and can pin-point the moment I did it and why. I scare myself now, knowing that I could and did do that to myself and the visual reminder of that is imprinted onto my body for the rest of my life.

“The scary thing about this, is the scars that you don’t see, the ones that you can’t fix with a plaster or with a first aid kit. The ones that cause you to create the physical scars. The invisible scars are much more frightening and take so much more loving care to heal.

“In 2019 I made the decision to finally get help for myself. It was a real turning point in my life. It was the first time I could say out loud why I continued to harm myself for so long. I was under no illusion that it was wrong what I was doing to myself, but I also didn’t want to stop. Because in those brief moments, I felt something, even though that something was pain, it was a something to take over the numbness of being submerged in the eternal nothing.

“What will always stick with me is the traits I acquired throughout my years battling with myself. The over analysis of every situation, every word someone says, every time someone glances a little too long in your direction. Passing comments that have a deeper meaning in your own mind.

“When I told my therapist all of this, he didn’t respond with judgement or mockery or sympathy, he affirmed how I had felt. He listened. He got angry for me. He got upset with me. He told me that I was important and that I had meaning. He made me believe that I was entitled to be myself and be it proudly.”

“I wish now that I had spoken to someone sooner, but I wasn’t ready, and it pains me to say it. I wasn’t ready to accept a Laura who wanted to be healthy and to live. I wasn’t ready to accept a side of me that could be happy, or that saw a future. What therapy, and my friends and family have given me in all of this is a place to feel safe in.

“In 2019 I got help.

“In 2020 I signed off from my therapy.

“In 2021 I wrote my story down for all to share, and I am no longer hurt by this experience.”

Always remember

If you are struggling with your own emotions, talk to the people who care about you the most. Family and friends might not be aware unless you tell them, and it can be a huge relief to simply speak to someone about it. Most people will understand, and they may be able to help when they know that you’re going through a difficult time.

Your GP is always an option if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with someone you know – they can offer talking therapies or another local service that can help. If things are bad and you need someone to talk to urgently, The Samaritans can be contacted at any time, in confidence, by calling 116 123.