Zoe Parsons: Inspiring Change – Part Two

<- Click here to read the first part of this interview

In this, the second of our two articles, we speak to Zoe Parsons about one of the major myths surrounding domestic violence, how to help to support a friend experiencing abuse, and how to begin seeking help for victims of domestic abuse.

In our recent Talk About It event at Leeds University, many of the speakers attempted to debunk the myths surrounding domestic violence. These ranged from “The victim must have done something to provoke it” to “If it was that bad, the victim would just leave”.

One of the biggest questions people who are looking from the outside in ask is simply, “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?”. To me, I see leaving an abusive relationship as a process, not an event. How would you answer people who ask this question?

What people don’t realise is that being in an abusive relationship damages you on a psychological level, it breaks you from the inside. Also, a person will often be trauma-bonded, and this – along with a host of other reasons and feelings – will keep a person stuck.

I will list some of the reasons a person might find it difficult to “just leave”.

They love their abuser. This might seem hard to comprehend, but you have to remember that an abuser didn’t start out horrible – they were nice and at times will have good moments. A victim will hang onto these good times in the hope that maybe this is the last time they will be abusive.

Leaving is not just about what the abuser is doing, it’s about the loss of hope and a person’s dreams, so they have to fight an internal battle between what they know and feel.

• An abusive person will make you think everything is your fault, so you stay to try and fix it.
• A victim will feel guilty, so they stay and try and make things better.
• The person might not even realise that they are in an abusive relationship.
• They are scared to be alone and may think that it’s better to stay with that person than be alone.
• A victim will have such low self-worth that they feel they deserve what the abusive person does to them.
• They can’t afford to leave.
• A victim thinks that the police or any other service will not be able to help them, and in fact, will make the situation worse.
• They are exhausted, mentally and physically. They know that leaving is not going to be the end of it, but the start of even more abusive tactics. It takes time to build up the inner strength to leave.
• They are caught up in a web of manipulation and it’s hard to break free.
• They are scared the abusive partner will kill them.
• If you have children, a person might have the belief that it is better to have two parents than one.

As you can see, there are lots of reasons why someone might not “just leave”. It’s a very complicated situation. However, the first step to a person leaving, is they need to realise that they are in an abusive relationship, as often abuse is insidious and hidden and it can be hard to identify.

Domestic violence can also indirectly affect friends and family members of people experiencing it. How can others help support someone who they know is experiencing or has experienced domestic violence?

If you think someone you know is experiencing abuse, that person needs to feel supported and encouraged – because this is what may help them to feel stronger and more able to make decisions that involve them leaving the situation. If they feel judged or criticised, this could actually make them more afraid to reach out for help and could keep them stuck in an abusive relationship for longer.

It can be frustrating to see someone you care about in an abusive relationship, as often a person will attempt to leave up to seven times before they are successful, and if you are supporting someone, you might feel frustrated by this and not understand why they keep going back, why they don’t just get over it and why they can’t seem to see how damaging this person is for them.

As someone who is supporting a victim, you need a tone of patience and you need to remember that this is not a normal relationship. The victim has likely experienced emotional and mental manipulation, this has a massive impact on a person’s psychological wellbeing and causes all kinds of behaviour that you might not understand.

But whether you understand it or not, just maintain a supportive stance without any judgement.

To anyone reading this now, currently experiencing any form of domestic abuse – what is the most important piece of advice you would give to them?

Start documenting everything and I mean everything. Even if you are not planning on reporting anything to the police – trust me, at some point you will need this. So send yourself emails with details about what has happened to you, and take photographs, make sure it all backs up to an account they can’t access.

Next step would be to make an exit plan. This has to be done in secret, as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are going to leave, so act normal and plan to leave in the safest way possible. Also find someone who can support you, whether that’s a friend or a coach like me. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard and it’s much easier to do it when you have support.

I note that on your website you have a lengthy recommended reading list. If you had to pick just one book to recommend to someone facing the issues we’ve spoken about, what would it be?

Initially, the list might seem overwhelming. The reason I have listed so many is because the book that would be most helpful to you would really depend on where you are in your journey to freedom and recovery.

But if someone is at the beginning and starting to try and understand and identify if their relationship is abusive and what their next steps might be, then I would recommend someone starts with “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Buncroft.

If anyone seeking help wanted to contact you, how would they go about doing that?

I am on most social media platforms as ‘Self Love After Abuse.’ You can find me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest and my website is www.selfloveafterabuse.com.

I also have a Facebook group which provides support to victims and survivors of domestic and narcissist abuse. This group is fully inclusive because I know abuse doesn’t discriminate, irrespective of a person’s gender, age or sexual preference. This group is so people don’t have to struggle alone and there is always someone around to offer a supportive ear.

My final thoughts:

Zoe’s story is one of tremendous bravery and incredible determination, but unfortunately, what she experienced is not an isolated incident. The latest figures from the Crime Survey for England and Wales show little change in the prevalence of domestic abuse in recent years.

In the year ending March 2018, an estimated 2 million adults aged between the ages of 16 to 59 years experienced domestic abuse – that’s 695,000 men and 1.3 million women).

At Oakwood Solicitors, our staff have received training in dealing with vulnerable individuals, and we pride ourselves on taking the utmost care when dealing with sensitive subjects. If you have been a victim of abuse then you may be eligible to a claim for compensation, click here for further information.

If you, or someone you know, are experiencing abuse and need help and support, please contact the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or alternatively, if you are in immediate danger please call 999.