Zoe Parsons: Inspiring Change – Part One

Recently, we conducted an interview with Zoe Parsons – an incredibly inspiring woman whose determination has helped her overcome the most adverse situation.

She has dedicated her life to helping others in similar situations, and we feel incredibly privileged that she has taken the time to share her story with us.

In the first of two articles, we explore Zoe’s background, her current role and the potential warning signs for an abusive relationship.

To anyone who hasn’t yet read your story, can you give people a bit of a background as to your experiences and what exactly inspired you to retrain as a life coach?

I was in an abusive relationship for six years, he was emotionally, physically, digitally, financially, and sexually abusive. At first, I thought I had married my soulmate, everything was amazing to start with. I felt loved and cared for but then it slowly started to change.

After my daughter was born, he started to get physical. It started small (a pinch, a slap, pulling my hair) but soon, he was raping me on a regular basis, strangling and pinning me down on the floor. After I left him, for six months he stalked me and hid in my neighbours’ bushes at night time. It ended with him breaking into my home, battering down my front door with a concrete block and him attacking me. He punched, kicked and head-butted me.

I had to have twelve stitches in my forehead and as a result, I have been left with a 4cm scar in my face. He is currently in prison serving an 11.5-year sentence for ABH, harassment, and rape for what he did to me.

It took me a long time to recover from what he did as I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, and Battered Woman’s Syndrome but I did recover, and I wanted to take what I had experienced and turn it into something positive. I wanted to:

• Raise awareness about domestic abuse, because I thought abuse was a black eye – but it’s so much more than that. In my case, he didn’t give me a black eye until the very end, after I’d left him. Yet my relationship with him was very abusive and pretty much from the beginning.
• Help victims and survivors by sharing my story, as it provides hope. But I wanted to go further than that and actually be able to offer practical support, so trained as a life coach.

What is the role of a life coach?

It’s amazing and I love what I do. I know when I was going through my situation I found it hard to find emotional support from people who really understood. Friends and family will look at you and if they can’t see the physical signs of abuse, they think that you are experiencing a normal break-up and that you should just “get over it”. This isn’t the case, because it’s not just a case of a broken heart, your spirit and mind is broken as well, you are confused and angry and you feel so many emotions, it can be hard processing everything.

So, this is where I come in. There are steps to healing and when these are followed, you can recover much quicker than if you just go it alone or try and get support from maybe an online group. The first step to recovery is educating yourself, but it’s not just reading a book or a meme, it’s really being able to relate what you are reading back to yourself and then break-down your situation, so you understand.

We all know how hard it is to really see the situation when you are in the middle of it, so when someone coaches with me, I can help them see what is happening from a different perspective. I have been there and done it and so I’m able to provide practical solutions to problems as well as encouragement and support to keep them going.

A coaching session is normally done via a video call and can last from thirty to sixty minutes. We will talk about anything from dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, parallel-parenting, how to keep emotionally distant, boundaries, self-love, low self-confidence and self-esteem, to why an abusive person behaves like they do and the impact this has on a person such as trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance.

It’s not uncommon for someone to fail to realise that they are in an abusive relationship. Are there any potential warning signs to help identify an abuser?

Yes, there are definitely warning signs. When you are dating you will come across abusive people, and they will be wearing a mask which hides their true self. We have all heard the term ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’, well this is what they are. They will use tactics to manipulate a person into a relationship with them, some of these tactics are called grooming, love-bombing and mirroring – but because they are wearing a mask, this mask slips and you will catch glimpses of their true self.

These glimpses are called red flags. I will list some of them below, but when you see them don’t dismiss them or make excuses, because this is your opportunity to break it off with that person.

• Rushes you into a relationship.
• Gets overly jealous (remember, love is not jealous).
• Frequently checks your phone, email or social media.
• Makes you feel guilty if you do things with your friends or family.
• Uses crude or disrespectful language when talking about others.
• Blames you when they are angry.
• Has big mood swings that make it hard to know what to expect.
• Accuses you of things that you didn’t do.
• Embarrasses you or puts you down in front of your friends or in public.
• Pressures you to have sex or do things that you don’t want to do.

What happens if the relationship continues, is these red flags will form a pattern of behaviour that is abusive and will only get worse over time. There are six main areas a person can be abusive in and they are:

Emotional, Mental & Verbal Abuse:

If you’re made to feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive.

• Emotional abuse can be bullying, teasing, and humiliation. Intimidation, threats, putdowns, and betrayals are other forms of it.
• Mental abuse is mental harassment, mental torture, blaming, and demeaning.
• Verbal abuse involves the use of foul language and calling names that often leads the person to have low self-esteem.

Physical Abuse:

Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact. This can be objects thrown at you or fists. Sometimes it’s the wall they punch, this is still abuse. Sometimes physically abusive behaviour doesn’t cause pain or leave a bruise, but it’s still physical abuse.

Digital Abuse:

Digital abuse is the use of technology to block, bully, harass, or stalk you. Another form is, limiting or setting rules about when you can use your digital devices or contact friends or how you use social media. Remember, in a healthy relationship, all communication is respectful whether in person, online or by phone.

Spiritual Abuse:

Spiritual abuse isn’t limited to a certain religion or denomination. Any person is capable of perpetrating spiritual abuse including pastors, ministers or other representatives of a belief system or group. Some claim authority and to be the gateway to spiritual freedom that doesn’t exist without them.

Sexual Abuse:

Sexual abuse is any action that pressures or coerces you to do something sexually you don’t want to do. It can involve begging, insults, threats, force, violence, name calling, blackmail.

Financial Abuse:

Financial abuse can be very subtle. It can include telling you what you can and can’t buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone have the right to use money to control you.

A little while ago I did a Facebook live on this topic, you can find the video here.

Identifying if you are in an abusive relationship and what to do about it can be daunting, because often someone will doubt and second guess themselves. This is one of the areas I coach in because I am able to provide an impartial viewpoint, that can help someone make an informed choice.

WHAT TO DO NEXT

Part two of our interview with Zoe deals with the common misconceptions surrounding abusive relationships, how to support someone who is experiencing domestic abuse, and advice if you are a victim of an abusive relationship. Read the second part here.

If you, or someone you know, are experiencing abuse and need help and support, please contact the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or alternatively, if you are in immediate danger please call 999.